November 3, 2004

• a minute by minute narrative of Dan Rather’s spiral into madness while covering the 2004 election
  by way of ratherbiased.com

  BIZARRE/BIAS CHRONOLOGY
  Beginning with reverse order, all times EST

  –7:23 pm “I know it’s Copley Plaza but we were having a 3,000 calorie
  attack every half hour as close as this race is.”

  –7:36 pm “Ohio now turns into a sauna for both of the candidates. All they
  can do is wait and sweat.”

  –7:43 pm, On polling: “This is more complicated than the wiring diagram for
  some hydroelectric dam dynamo, trying to figure out the absentee ballots,
  the people who voted in advance and taking in the exit poll data from
  today.”

  –7:54 pm, Bob Schieffer reported that Joe Lockart, campaign adviser to the
  Kerry campaign says that he thinks Kerry has a chance to win every one of
  the battleground states, despite the fact that hardly any polls had come in.

  “Well, you know the old saying, Bob–Don’t taunt the alligator until after
  you’ve crossed the creek. Apparently Joe Lockhart doesn’t subscribe to
  that.”

  8:24 pm, Cautioning that viewers shouldn’t read too much into early
  electoral vote counts: “In some ways, George Bush’s lead is as thin as
  November ice.”

  8:35 pm, Lesley Stahl calls the NRA the “NAR.”

  10:04 pm, On the importance of Democrats keeping Bob Graham’s Senate seat:
  “Democrats almost absolutely positively, teetotally need to hold that seat.”

  11:10 pm, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs channels Dan Rather on MTV: “This race is
  tight as a frog’s ass”

  11:26 pm, On desirability of Florida: “hotter than a Times Square Rolex.”

  12:52 am, Subtle dig at Fox News which had just projected Bush would win
  Ohio: “In case you’ve been watching one of those other places that doesn’t
  have as good of information, here’s what’s happening.”

  1:02 am, NBC calls Ohio for Bush. “President Bush’s reelection is at the
  door, knock, knock, knock.”

  1:11 am, Still reluctant to call Ohio for Bush, CBS tries the alternate
  route: reporter Bill Plante relays that Bush adviser Karl Rove told the
  president he would win the state.
  After break, Rather adds: “Yes we are aware that in some other quarters they
  have projected it, but we would rather be last than wrong.”

  RATHER: “Is this just gamesmanship? Are the Bush people saying these things
  to make themselves look better in case there’s a recount?”

  BILL PLANTE: That’s true. They always act like they’re winning even when
  they’re not

  1:33 am, On closeness of race in some states: “This race is hot enough to
  peel paint off a house.”

  2:14 am, Dan starts getting frustrated. “Our coverage continues with Ohio,
  ‘Hey kimosabe, no one knows.’”

  2:22 am, “Folks, these are the kinds of nights that give campaign managers a
  case of the hives or something. One reason so many of them drink a lot,
  because you have these situations in which, you know, you think you got it,
  you’re right there, you’re right there, you’re close enough to feel it, and
  then somebody like one of these overpaid television anchor men come up and
  say you know what, that state may not just be going your way.”

  3:21 am, Dan Rather plays psychiatrist to Lesley Stahl:

  STAHL: Well, it’s unique, and I don’t know about you, Dan, but it makes me
  despair, because it’s up in the air. It’s unsettled. I know we all talked
  about this before we started getting returns. What we all prayed for was a
  decision that was final, that we could go to the American people and say
  this is it. Anything that’s left uncertain like this is sure to create more
  turmoil, it’s just not healthy for our system. It’s not a good thing that we
  are sitting here telling the American people. We can’t help it, but we want
  to see healing, and this is not conducive to that, it doesn’t seem to me.
  RATHER: Let me say something to you personally. Don’t despair. Despair is
  not in the American character. The country will be all right whatever
  happens here, however long it takes to square it away, and i understand
  you’re saying the heartache we’re going to have to go through, but we’re a
  big continental country, so don’t despair. Not in our character. We’re
  optimists by experience and by nature here in this country, so however it
  turns out, we’re going to be ok.

  some more Dan Rather-isms

  “Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”

  “Texas: 32 electoral votes, another of the so-called big enchiladas or if not an enchilada at least a huge taco.”

  “They say California’s the big burrito; Texas is a big taco right now. We want to follow that through. Florida is a big tamale.”

  “The Michigan Republican primary apparently is tighter than Willie Nelson’s headband.”

  “Are the Democrats going to dance the mandate Macarena?”

  “The reelection of Bill Clinton is as secure as a double-knot tied in wet rawhide.”

  “This race between Dick Swett and Bob Smith is hot and tight as a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach.”

  “We may see Michael Jackson’s baby before we know the final outcome of this race for the House of Representatives tonight.”

  “Folks, let me point out something to you, because for a lot of people in Washington, they could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping through on the back of a hippopotamus this Election Night”

  “It’s an obscene comparison, and I’m not sure I like it, but there was a time, in South Africa, where people would put flaming tires around peoples’ necks if they dissented. And in some ways, the fear is that you’ll be necklaced here, you’ll have the flaming tire of lack of patriotism put around your neck. Now it’s that fear that keeps journalists from asking the toughest of the tough questions and to continue to bore in on the tough questions so often. And again, I’m humbled to say, I do not except myself from this criticism.”

  “What I say or do here won’t matter much, nor should it.”

  • 8:00 pm
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