Month: February 2004

  • A little something I made for Erin tonight.

  • [protected photo post]

  • Somewhere en route to Port Vila in the New Hebrides, for my last meal I serve dinner the way I've always dreamed.
    Anybody caught buttering their bread before breaking it, I promise to shoot them.
    Anybody who drinks their beverage with food still in their mouth will also be shot.
    Anybody caught spooning toward themself will be shot.
    Anybody caught without a napkin in their lap--
    Anybody caught using their fingers to move their food--
    Anybody who begins eating before everybody is served--
    Anybody who blows on food to cool it--
    Anybody who talks with food in their mouth--
    Anybody who drinks white wine holding their glass by the bowl or drinks red wine holding their glass by the stem--
    You will each get a bullet in the head.
    We are 30,000 feet above the earth, going 455 miles per hour. We're at a pinnacle of human achievement, and we are going to eat this meal as civilized human beings.

    Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

  • Diseased & Neurotic
    (An ode to the itchy red things on my legs)
    (and also Monkey)

    Yea, what purple and crimson dawn breaks upon this morn,
    A slow waking, much like the morn before and the morn before that,
    and all the morns spanning the simple life of this simple bard.
    Ho! A slight irritation!
    Upon a vigorous itching and scratching and without a found relief,
    I peer eyes downward and beneath coverlets mine.
    Aghast - I find upon my sinewy shanks...
    Leprosy?
    Nay, it cannot be! I've touched no armadillos!
    Hemorrhagic fever?
    But my brow does not burn! Nor do orifices mine bleed out to soak bedding like spilled lumpy wine.
    Ebola? Marburg? Icythyosis?
    Nay! Nay! Nay! I cry to Apollo's breaking light!
    It cannot be!
    Disbelief and denial incarnate am I!
    Glorious morning has turned to fretful mourning,
    my well turned calves set with foul demons of itching and burning.
    Ho!
    Ho!
    Ho!? Did mine willy contract the most foulest of foul?
    Syphilis?
    Does this plague now course through veins,
    corrupting genitals, spleen, and all other various viscera?
    Will I gaze upon my face, noseless, in the looking glass a month hence?
    I weep! I weep! My once healthy body has been befouled by Monkey Pox!
    Ah, a small comfort to be found in the uttering of the holy word,
    Monkey.
    Monkey.
    Monkey.
    MonkeyMonkeyMonkey.
    Revitalized by Monkey Mantra,
    I realize!
    They are but ant bites!

  • I feel a wardrobe malfunction coming on.

  • [photo post]

  • This guy's phototography has me sitting here with my jaw on the floor. Enjoy.
    http://noahgrey.com/
    -
    More:
    My Holga started making this obscene rattling noise after I walked in the house. Bad. So I locked myself in the bathroom and pulled the camera open to see what was going on, the battery had come loose. So, I had to pull the film out, retape the battery and put the film back in. I hope I didn't expose the shots I already have and the rest of the film. Dammit. Shit. Fucky fuck fuck.
    -
    Even More (alternately titled "I'm an ass.")

    I submitted my first assignment for my web design class, and I forgot the <TITLE> tag. That's like walking out of the house and realizing you forgot to put your pants on. Embarrassing.

  • [new (holga) photo post]

  • [new photo]

  • [new photo. and a fucking great story that's unfolding before my eyes.]

    Tej, starboard and Beelzebub 0wn the captions:

    Minutes later, Gordie died a screaming, horrible death when he attempted to attach the 11 spoon. Tragically, it was a fork and he was persistent.
    Posted 2/13/2004 at 5:57 AM by Tej

    In his brilliant, if not slightly misguided attempt to one-up his best friend's play for the new girl in class, Elliot sat in front of the mirror. Pleased with his effort, he whispered,
    "Yeah, fuck you Winston. Alice is mine."
    He fastened his diaper and headed out the door.
    Posted 2/13/2004 at 9:59 AM by starboard

    The famous clothing company had to recall yet another shirt...
    ABERCROMBIE ALL-STAR SPOON HANGERS
    "Well-hung in more than one way"
    Posted 2/13/2004 at 11:34 AM by Beelzebub