June 14, 2003

  • dear dad,

    i hope this reaches you, or reaches someone who knows how to get it to you.
    in the few years that you've been gone, a lot of things have changed, some for the better, some for worse. mom and i still don't get along very well, but i guess that's something that won't change. you know how we both were, headstrong and stiff necked. she's doing well though.
    as for me, i've had ups, downs, bang ups and bruises as well as a crescending chorus of joy now and again. the nite you died ran veins of doubt and guilt like marbling through out me. i've carried everything from that nite with me until it became a canker, a cancer, corrupting everything i did and wanted to do.
    i think i see now why i was never good enough, why the things i did were never good enough. it was never about you being an asshole like i thought. it was you trying like hell not to be your father and you trying like hell for me not to be like you, for me to be better than you. i've always understood it's the highest art for a teacher to train a student to be better than the teacher himself. i'm just now realizing that for what it was.
    as for the nite you died, i've crucified myself with it over and over again. that nite had me weak with horror as i tried to keep you here, forcing my breath into your lungs, cracking your sternum in my pathetic attempt to restore you to life.
    in retrospect i know for truth that i was weak with horror. i realize that there's no reason for me to be guilty for "letting you die". i never let you go anywhere. i fought tooth and nail for it, but you were already gone. and i know you don't blame me for letting you die and i know mom doesn't blame me for it. i've only been blaming myself. i think it's time to stop. i'm sure you'd be proud of me for that nite, the same way you were proud of me when i pulled nikki out of the pool when we were little. the same way you were proud of me for everything i did. i miss you so much, dad.

    your loving son,

    richard

    PS - happy father's day.

Comments (71)

  • wow..oh my gosh that brought tears to my eyes. ='( that was so sweet. i hope you feel better. take care

  • He'd be so proud of you.  K?

  • don't know what to say really. . if you believe in god like i do - then god bless you for surviving this and better for learning so much from it. . .in any case, thank you for making me think about my relationship with my (living) father. . .take care.

  • That was one of the clearest writings on real healing I've ever read. Glad you made it the other side. It WILL get easier from here

  • Wow.  You are an incredibly strong person.  Thank you for sharing that.

  • I love you Rich.  And I know that I'm proud to know you.

  • oh honey... as much as this is a tribute to your dad, it's so much more a tribute to you.  love to you.

  • *sniffle*

  • i dont know what to say.

  • wow man. That's great... I don't know what to say really... I know something though, your dad is sure smiling at you right now. He must be happy for having such a loving son, he's proud of u.

    (sorry if u find it as an intrusion of me reading this.. I don't know u.. bout wow. sorry if it feels like an intrusion)

  • oh my god..that was the most moving thing I've read in a long time. I have never been touched so much by the words of a total stranger. Good luck and I hope you get through this emotional day without shedding too many tears.

    I'm sure that your father is very proud and happy that his memory lives on so vividly in not only your life, but the lives of everyone who cared so dearly about him. 

  • <3 He is proud of you. <3

  • Your father would have been proud of you no matter what, but you have proven what a good teacher and man he was by becoming the man he wanted you to be.

    Lovely blog.

  • you're amazing.

    and it's strange how similar that bit of our lives seem to be.

    i miss mine too.

  • powerful stuff...

  • wow...i kno this has been said before, but: ure such an incredibly strong person to write about ur feelings like that...thanks for being able to move me and everyone who's read it

  • Thank You I know how hard it is to get over a loved one and the way you expressed yourself was absoulutely beautiful and moving...

  • This entry blew me away. My father is gone but not dead. Divorce has put a strain on communication between us. This entry makes me think how lucky I am to still have my parents. Entry was real nice. I feel it. I am glad I found this on the main site. Going to add to my entry for the day and mention this. He would be proud of you.

  • Rich, that's so sad...

  • Oh, Richard... you touched me with this letter to your dad... the things that happen in one's lifetime... Yeah. I'll bet he's proud of you wherever he is-- and was proud of you while he was alive.

  • that is TRULY deep...

  • just dropping by...u have one of the unique xanga..well propzz for ur site...hit me back

  • You have no idea how much I just related to that.

    No details, just thanks.

  • No to belittle your experience, or be presumptuous in relating to something so unique to you.

    Man, emotional stuff makes me retarded.

  • How morbidly ironic our world is, where one is capable of complete appreciation of the person who brought them to life, whilst others, such as myself, hold nothing but bitter resentment against theirs.

    Sad to say, I can not indentify with my father. In fact, the only thing we have in common is that we share the same DNA. He left when I was 6.

    Still, I can emphatize with you. I'm touched by your letter and I'm happy that you're dad was a good person. Enough for you to miss his presence.

    God Bless.

  • omfg.  i can just kill myself right now to get this to your old man.  but you know, since energy never goes away, and jsut keeps going around and around, you're father is still somewhere around here.  i know he knows how you're feeling. 

    I think it's a good thing you stop blaming yourself.  your dad would feel better that way.  i guess your dad realizes how much of a pain he was to you.  the only thing is, he can't tell you anymore, how much he loves you, how much he wants you.  just like you, right?  almost comical.  like father, like son.

    i bet this just made his father's day the best one he's ever had.

  • hugs and  beers, man.

  • Your dad has always been proud, I'm sure. Your post really put my relationship with my dad in perspective.

  • <3

    ~ Sherri

  • This struck me at my core, where it has stayed all day.  I am sick with the struggle I have found trying to adequately express the depth of my respect for what you have shared. 

    I am unhappy with the notion that only a reflection of my esteem will be communicated through these poorly strung words of mine; it is my hope that the following sentiment, once imbued with the potency of collective human compassion, will grow magnified and surpass my own limited capacity:

    Thank you. Your courage and your strength are extraordinary.

  • i read this earlier, and thought i would have something to say by now, but thank you for sharing.  it takes amazing strength to write as you just did.  beautiful writing.

  • and i'm totally digging the new profile picture.

  • Beautiful.  This entry is breathtakingly beautiful.  You are a wonderful son, he knows it, and we all know it.

    Hugs,
    Jen

  •              

  • This has left me speechless, in awe.

  • WOW THATS A LOT

  • Hello Richard,

     I like your site. You worked hard on it.

    Your article is particularl poignant since many readers can identify with the death of your dad on this day. Would it be comforting to you to know that he is just asleep and awaiting resurrection? It's the truth. Almost everybody who died is sleeping a dreamless sleep and will awaken soon! Awaken to a better world.

    You have a busy life.Do you ever stop to think about the future? It's a crazy world we live in now, isn't it? Do you think there is an answer to the world’s problems? Is there a place where you can learn the truth?

  • i totally am awe of your beauty of strength.

    thank you, richard.

  • found your site while browsing... i lost my great father too a dew years back... it was also a horror, but looking back from that time i knew he did nothing but loved me...

    we're lucky to have great fathers! i'm sure your father is looking down the heavens feeling so proud of you!

  • my mascara's running now.....

  • Joining the club here.

  • OMG that made me cry i understand ur loss and my father would be really proud to. visit my site sometime, it's luckieduck88 well hope to talk later.

  • aww~ that's sho sad. +sniffle+ you're sho schweet. T^T must be hard getting over a loss of a loved one. i'm sho touched.  i'm shure he's vewwi proud to hav a son like you.

  • Dude that was so fucking sweet.... I wish I was more like that

  • ::many hugs::

  • I wasn't able to comment on this at first. Made me think of my dad too much. Not over his passing just yet. But one thing I have learned.. well come to believe.. they never leave us and they love us more than we can imagine. Maybe even more than when they were with us. Possibly because there are less boundries.. which is odd  to think of it that way. "Less boundries in death".. but that's what I believe. And I believe my dad has been with me, supporting me, loving me ever single day since he left. So.. that being the case.. your dad was with you when you wrote this... and he is with you know. :o )

  • Sorry your dad couldn't be there for fathers day but he was there in spirit and remember he can see everything you achieve and accomplish in life so keep doing what you are doing.

  • Damn Rich...have been playing catch up and just now got to see this post...I am so glad you got this out...I know it has been there deep inside of you for a long time...and I am glad you were able to share it with the rest of us...you have truly touched me with your honest and heart wrenching words...thinking of you...

    Sarah

  • ...wow. i-um...wow.

  • gosh when i was reading ur entry i thought u were a girl because all EMOTIONS are there...but when i finished reading the whole article i was shocked that u were actually a boy...congrats richard for releasing and showing your emotions...

    don't worry i'm sure ur dad is so PROUD of YOU wherever he is...

    take care

  • gosh when i was reading ur entry i thought u were a girl because all EMOTIONS are there...but when i finished reading the whole article i was shocked that u were actually a boy...congrats richard for releasing and showing your emotions...

    don't worry i'm sure ur dad is so PROUD of YOU wherever he is...

    take care

  • This brought tears to my eyes...I know I'm a complete stranger, but this entry was just so sweet, I just had to comment. Your father would be proud to know how courageous his son was. You'll see him again someday.

    *Gives a virtual hug*

  • that was just so sweet..i love my dad...^_^

  • this brough tears to my eyes to.
    you are a great write'r. wow. everyone should be
    proud of you, cuz what a great gift you have.
    i wish the best in life for you.

  • Don't worry. My mom and me fight all the time. Just be glad that your mum doesn't have a water bottle and skate handy. o.o

    be happy! ~*M

  • ..Holy shit.

    (Yeah..Ok) ::leaves::

  • omg... that is so0o sweet.. makes me wanna cry...... ;_;

  • that was SO sweet . your father must be SO proud of you ! xoxo

  • Wow, that is really amazing. God bless!

    Ciao

  • All I can is wow...moving

  • That was an awesome letter.

  • "the student becomes the teacher"...if you're anything like your father, then he must have been a great man.  i'm not entirely sure that anyone can read this entry without being touched deeply by it.  thank you

  • Good sir, that was a truly beautiful piece, and I feel lucky to have been able to read it.  It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.  I thank you for what you wrote, and I know that your father has printed this out and keeps a copy of it in his ethereal wallet, wherever he now resides.  I do not know you, but I feel as though I do right now.  Not many writers can evoke that in me.  Good luck in all you do.

  • uh....wht??? lol

  • That was soooo touching an nice!

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