it hurts, it burns, i shake. i persevere. muscles strained until striations dance under the skin. i can feel my meat separating from my bones. i focus. i breathe. i move, vertigo and fatigue wash me out in waves. still i move. still i move. arms twine like serpents. flexed to the failure point. i tremble. i move. i focus.
this is the war i wage; my will versus my ego.
this is the confrontation and evaluation of my self.
this is how i vivisect and eviscerate.
this is struggle.
fuck you. focus.
one minute and ten seconds down. one minute and fifty seconds to go.
thirty repetitions down. seventy repetitions to go.
24 days down. one hundred and seventy six to go.
i will do it.
no.
i am doing it.

actualize
v : make real or concrete; give reality to [syn: realize]

will
n.
1. a. The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course of action: championed freedom of will against a doctrine of predetermination.
b. The act of exercising the will.
2. a. Diligent purposefulness; determination: an athlete with the will to win.
b. Self-control; self-discipline: the will to overcome the addiction.
3. A desire, purpose, or determination, especially of one in authority: It is the sovereign's will that the prisoner be spared.
4. Deliberate intention or wish.

ver·sus
prep.
1. Abbr. v. or vs. Against: the plaintiff versus the defendant; Army versus Navy.
2. As the alternative to or in contrast with: “freedom of information versus invasion of privacy” (Ian Hamilton).

e·go
n.
1. The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
2. In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
3.
a. An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
b. Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.

dis·man·tle
tr.v.
1.
a. To take apart; disassemble; tear down.
b. To put an end to in a gradual systematic way.

self
n
1. The total, essential, or particular being of a person; the individual: “An actor's instrument is the self” (Joan Juliet Buck).

de·bride·ment
n.
Surgical excision of dead, devitalized, or contaminated tissue and removal of foreign matter from a wound.

sublimate
adj : made pure [syn: purified, refined] n : the product of vaporization of a solid v 1: direct energy or urges into useful activities 2: make more subtle or refined [syn: rarefy, subtilize] 3: remove impurities from; "purify the water" [syn: purify, make pure, distill]

rec·ti·fy
tr.v.
1. To set right; correct.
2. To correct by calculation or adjustment. See Synonyms at correct.

transmogrify
v : change completely the nature of something

re·con·struct
tr.v.
1. To construct again; rebuild.
2. To assemble or build again mentally; re-create.

this is the funniest thing i've seen in a while.
so is this.
this is really damn cool.
and then we have....this.....thing.

Goodbye child. You were born an American, though you'll never see its shores again. Your formula has been traded for a case to knock down at noon, but I remember you as I kick aside the lychee pits outside my door, as they drag their feet and never cease to stare, as I carefully place my steps, avoiding kittens and phlegm on my way up to Delancy. We are the psychos, the pathetic, the quitters, the all time losers. We are the cretins, uncivilized millions, second rate human begins. We are the heathens. Though all their origins change they all pass through Hester Street. We all have. I would not have put my money on this horse, but it's won anyhow and sent its competitors into shock. Yield to the Mongol Hordes! Flee from the Celtic roar! Set sail for the foamy shores.
The heathens have won again.
"we are the heathens" by the van pelt

a compendium of scars and missing flesh

1. split scalp on radiator from playing 'batman'
2. split scalp on air conditioning unit while playing hide and seek
3. chunk of eyebrow missing from car accident in high school
4. small chunk missing from fist fight
5. another small chunk missing from a dog bite
6. cat scratches
7. white crescent shaped scar on my lip, i don't know from what
8. skateboard flipped up and hit me in the chin
9. scar on my sternum, i have no idea what from, but it's almost gone
10. got run over with a bicycle
11. matching scars on the insides of my forearms from sliding down a half pipe
12. (on back) also from sliding down a half pipe
13. yes i have one here. nope, don't know what from. wanna see it?
14. another skateboarding scar
15. from the same car accident as #3
16. numerous scars from skateboarding
17. scars on the knuckles of all of my toes, from a bigwheel adventure gone horribly wrong.

-

in other news, i have been busy as hell! my workday has gone up to 9 hours, followed immediately by a 90 minute workout. i leave at 6.40am and get home at 7.00-ish pm.
at least i'm not bored.
but i've been a bad bad bad bad xanga blogger and haven't been leaving comments. be gentle.

before we begin, i suggest strong drink. for myself.
i'm getting my captain morgans spiced rum on.
i. fucking. hate. horseflies. foul little insect demons with proboscises of puncture wound-inflicting fiery doom and mayhem. every single day i go to the park, i am beleaguered by a single horsefly. just one. just. one.
buzzing around my head. alighting upon my fair brow, sending horrific shock waves of utter revulsion through my entire body. since i've never managed to actually kill the soulless imp, i wonder...is it the same one? does it have some sort of personal vendetta against me? does it not like me walking near its trees? is it buzzing outside my bedroom window, RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT LOOKING FOR A WAY IN!????
today was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. after days of having been literally sent to rout, and thrashing my entire body about like a Bedlam escapee, i decided this was a contest of my human logic against the instincts of a fly. i knew i would prevail. so, i did the only logical thing and began whipping myself in the face with a fallen pine branch. luckily, an elderly couple walking saw my plight and decided to run away.
i'd like to say that i have some sort of humorous conclusion to this, one where i managed to swat, stomp, spit upon and incinerate the fly. but no, i don't. it's still out there. waiting for me. waiting. patiently. waiting. in the dark.

i had way too much fun with the safety sign builder last nite.

photographs from michigan

(3 pages)

from the hip

since i've been home, i've been looking at way too much porn.
i fear my head will explode from the testosterone i've been saving for a rainy day.
bandages by hot hot heat has been playing incessantly since friday night, both on my computer and in my head.
i haven't talked to her as much as i've wanted to since i've been back.
i locked my keys in my car this morning. thanks to some little kid with an arm skinny enough to reach in the slightly opened window, i was able to get the door open. i gave him $5. when i did, he looked at me like i had a chinchilla growing out of my face.
i see the same people on the beach in the mornings and i wonder if they recognize me and have their own private name for me, as i do for them.
yoga man and wife
an old married couple who do yoga in the mornings.
hernia
she jogs every morning and has big boobs.
karate trashman
he's one of the park maintence crew and i've seen him karate kicking things for no reason i can fathom.
chunk
he looks just like chunk from the goonies.
the gaggle
a group of lifeguards who run and swim in the mornings.
i wonder what their name is for me...
chinchilla face?

i guess i should be composing and/or cataloging my experiences for this weblog, but i won't. some things are for only those who have shared them.
instead:
michigan seemed to be a solvent that dissolved a lot of burdens for me. a lead vest shed, bone deep tension let go. having nothing to worry about - even for a few days - changes both the psyche and the physiology. everything lost the feeling of drollness, tediousness, solemnity that florida holds.
my senses came to the forefront, i felt more alive.
rich, dark coffee
french toast, sweet with melted icing
clean air whipping off of lake michigan, just cold enough to bite at fingers and ears and noses. watching silently as mist rolls down the shore, slowly engulfing everything.
soft warm movements of someone sleeping next to me as i decide between slipping back into slumber or starting the day.
knowing that someone was her.