February 18, 2003

• adventures of a computer nerd in hades....
  my friends got laid for valentines day...all i got was this new OS
  
  the first circle of hell
  i've had an imac for almost 2 years now and up until monday, it had to have been the most despised computer in all of north america. constant problems plagued me like locusts since day one of owning the infernal machine. programs freezing and the operating system crashing so hard i was often hit by the shrapnel.
  
  the second circle of hell
  out of necessity, i bought more RAM, thinking this would solve the problem.
  it got worse.
  
  the third circle of hell
  i managed to get by with the crashing, the applications suddenly disappearing ala jimmy hoffa, and obscure error messages that apple help tech's have never heard of. every time it crashed, my streams of swearing became longer and more profane. i improvised swearing like jazz. i found word arrangements that rivaled the compositions of Lizst.
  a few of my favorite uncopywritten ones:
  "you flaming sack of goat cock"
  "lick my hairy cat balls you fuck knocker"
  "holy assfucking shit gobbler, you motherless bastard!"
  somewhere during this time, my imac picked up the name "lucy"; in honor of lucille ball, i love lucy, who always managed to take a simple scenario and completely screw up. like my computer.
  
  the fourth circle of hell
  during this whole time, my faith in steve jobs, apple and mac os 9 was strong. i always believed that mac was the better os and computer, despite the almost hourly crashing.
  much to my delight, i obtained a copy of photoshop and used it with much vim and vigor (and force quitting and rebooting). the methods of this aquisition will not be detailed, as they involved kinko's, zip disks and are quite shady in nature.
  i legitimately purchased norton disk doctor. which did absolutely nothing but format my wallet.
  
  the fifth circle of hell
  a fine saturday afternoon. imac crashes. i reboot....nothing new.
  the mac won't start up.
  several attempts later, i call emmdee out of desperation. 30 minutes long distance and relayed messages from her significant other don't fix the problem. apple help and some social engineering to get them to help me (i was past the warrantee date) don't help. damn. my only choice was to clean install (reformat the hard drive for all you windows trash users.) and lose all my files.
  
  the sixth circle of hell
  i'm getting a webcam. yeah, lucy crashes all the time. i'm used to it by now. i want a webcam so i'm getting one, ok? ok.
  first stop after work, comp usa. their customer service is akin to death camp hospitality. in other words, nil. the only cam i find is way out of my price range. not getting that one, sorry.
  half hour later, i'm in target and find a cam that works for both mac and pc (trash). yes!
  home and everything is open and ready to be installed.
  the alleged webcam isn't one for mac. it takes stills only in mac os.
  i erupt in another frenzied composition of swearing and return it.
  at this point, i consider cultivating a healthy affliction of technophobia and getting rid of everything.
  back to comp usa on saturday.
  fuck it. i'm getting the ibot, which is way too expensive. but i want a webcam.
  so i get it. no thanks to customer service.
  i raise my fists to the sky and let loose a fierce barbaric yelp of triumph.
  i race home and rush to hook everything up.
  firewire?
  firewire!?
  FIREFUCKINGWIRE!!!
  i have usb.
  my IM conversation becomes poetry.
  "the webcam is staring at me with its blank eye of spite.....
  and the firewire plug, limp, flaccid, hanging, a phallus of malice..."
  i. am. experiencing. anger. of. biblical. proportions.
  hulk angry.
  hulk smash.
  hulk return webcam.
  
  the seventh circle of hell
  sunday and i'm completely camless as well as angsty towards the apple corporation that i had such faith in. messaging with her, and she recommends getting os x. promises me it's well worth it, much better than os 9, no more crashing no more weird things.
  i am hopeful once again.
  i am joyous in the belief that os x will be nothing short of a 9 hour tantric orgasm.
  after multiple purchases and returns, i have something that will work!
  my computer will be powerful enough to blow up the world!
  i can clone sheep!
  my os install keeps getting an error!
  bastards, all of you!
  1-800-apl-care is closed for the nite.
  my last attempt at finding a reason is the hardware test, which scans the physical components of the computer for defects and corruptions.
  
  ***ERROR***ERROR***ERROR***
  mem_/3/2
  ***ERROR***ERROR***ERROR***
  
  this error message occurs. i wail in pitiful despair.
  i then decide i'm done, and note the error code.
  i give up.
  
  
  beyond the seventh circle...heaven
  monday at lunch, i give apple a call and talk to the most intelligent tech yet. i regret i can't recall her name.
  she reproduces the error messages from both the install and the hardware test and how to remedy them. i offer to marry her.
  home, i remove a RAM card and hardware test the computer again. no error, i am jumping for joy.
  seems the one i bought at comp usa (satan's death camp of windows consumerism) 2 years ago was damaged.
  i return to the apple store (third time in three days they've seen me) and buy another RAM card.
  get home and plug it in.
  while the test was running, i literally hold my breath and cross my fingers.
  hardware test comes out no error.
  i am ecstatic. i am post coital glowing with happiness.
  the os 9 updates go smoothly.
  the firmware update (i have no idea what firmware is. i don't even care. it installed and updated perfectly. that's all i care about) goes smoothly.
  os x install goes smoothly.
  it works. it works.
  it doesn't crash. at all. i've tried. it doesn't crash.
  it's amazing.
  i want to hump my computer.
  i love it.
  i love apple.

  • 9:40 pm
  • 31 Comments