February 14, 2003
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when i'm emperor of the world...
1. there will be an extra lane added to all roads.
a. the furthest right lane is the slow lane.
b. the next lane from the right is for people who drive the speed limit
c. the left lane is for people who drive fast.
d. the fourth lane is for me and only me. anyone caught using this lane will be immediately pulled to the side of the road, asked to supply proper identification, and proof of insurance. they will then be beaten with a burning porcupine.
2. anyone who is not behind me will get out of my way, or suffer the same penalty as driving in my lane as well as hefty fines, up to but not necessarily including, being taken into slavery at my 4.2 million acre subtropical paradise palace.
4. there shall be no drivers migrating with the season. if you live in the northern states, you will stay there in the winter. and you will like it. anyone caught crossing state lines (out of season migrating) will be forced to work at taco bell in detroit for the rest of their natural life. anyone caught trying to escape said taco bell shall be publicly gerbiled.
5. the following infractions are punishable by public humiliation by way of flogging and having rabid starving otters and cornmeal and whitefish fattened octopi shoved in a rubber mattress with you:
a. riding your brakes
b. applying brakes for no apparent reason
c. cutting me off
d. driving like a jackass in general
subsection d.1: driving like a jackass (d) is subjective to me and my opinion of you.
e. anyone driving a hummer (humvee)
f. anyone in a car faster than mine who tries to race me
g. anyone who cannot see over the steering wheel
h. walking in the road, along side a perfectly usable sidewalk.
Comments (25)
ROFL
When you're emperor of the world...just make sure that you change those rules to have the slowest lane on the far left for some places....can't have us getting confused about which side to drive on, can we?
*snort* Public Gerbiling.
Don't forget about the jackasses in SUVs on cell phones. They should be shot before any infraction can even take place.
ROFL... sounds good. ;]
I always wondered if Floridian drivers got pissed at all the tourists and seniors who did know what the fuck they were doing.
Dick will be sad to see his gerbil go.
and make sure you are the Emperor without any clothes
[Insert rimshot]
What about old Quebeckers? They have to go south for the winter! We sure don't want them up here.
And I think there's a website where you can pay to see people receiving punishment #5.
holy hell, that quote down there was good.
we call the lane next to the slow lane the "idiot lane." mostly because it appears that the overwhelming majority of people driving in said lane appear to have just awakened and found themselves miles from home in a vehicle they DO NOT know how to opperate. natural phenom? quirky alien abductees? who the fuck cares - just get off the damn interstate!
whew... see there - they made me use the "f" word.
I always wanted to flog people with a porcupine, but a burning porcupine sounds so much better!
This is great! I want an empire too!
--L
even though it's a little late, happy valentines day.
Hey!! I often drive a Blazer.. at very high rates of speed.. so
รพ~.... though.. I don't do the cell phone thing.. so I should be safe.. *PKs rule wouldn't apply*
I want my own lane.... and I want yellow lights to mean "Go Very Fast"... k?
i think you read my mind. i always said that when i take over the world i'm going to have a lane for just me. for now i bring my rubber fist, Jack the Ripper, with me and shake him at people that piss me off. because, really, how can you stay mad at someone when you're shaking a giant rubber fist at them. it would also be nice to run someone off the road and then bludgeon (sp?) them with Jack.
Add a law about assholes who stop on highway merging ramps instead of accelerating to merge with traffic.
Hmmmm...I wouldn't mind having those same privileges, as long as I get to WATCH what happens when people break the rules...and maybe broadcast it on the news, just to emphasize the point! Clearly you're not a happy driver
Road rage, anyone??
Trust me, we already have enough idiots/jackasses workin the taco bells in detroit
This is too fuckin funny, great stuff
what if i were administering the driving hummer? could i be in your lane then?
Damnit...Rache beat me to the hummer joke.
It's good to be king.
oh yes, but I want to come live in your world. can i please? please?
Awwwwww! Thank you !! I didn't think you were serious..
) Card came today! So sweet! 
) Yay for being single! Thank you!
*wags tail* I got my card too!!
*humphumphump*
"will be forced to work at taco bell in detroit for the rest of their natural life."
HEY! Don't send 'em up here to me, you bitch!
Better stay the hell away from my pets
gerbiled...hehe...i hadn't considered a punishment like that.
well...not since grade 6, anyways.
m/
for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE add SUVs to your list!! PLEASE! i beg of you! for the good of *my* sanity! too many times have they almost tipped over onto the roof of my car. . .
LOL
LMAO.....a burning porcupine and being publicly gerbiled. No wonder I keep coming back here.
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