an untitled love poem, dedicated to no one, to be read aloud, slam-style
i need someone
to make love to me
when i say need, i mean "want".
i don't need
it
like food or air or fire.
but like...
long long hair
stuck on the walls of my shower.
when i say love, i mean LOVE.
all capitals,
because it all means so much
and it should
(to the both of us).
Month: February 2003
-
-
enigma machine set to . . .
i have a hard time with trust. with putting myself out on that limb that leaves me without stone and mortar defense.
9 c15nce9ve xxxxx xxxxx 1xx xxxxxx x15xxxx where none are.
i conceive secret codes and hidden motives where none 1-18-5.
said sincere, or repeated to others with the same lilt, your same sweetness, ending with the same cadence?
i conceive secret codes and hidden 13-15-20-9-22-5-19 23-8-5-18-5 14-15-14-5 1-18-5.
timorously, i reach out. only to be turned aside by a slick and taut reply, a smile. each time, i hesitate more and more. each time, more humorous, bigger and brighter.
-
the blogs you almost got...
-- the complete translation of edgar allen poe's the raven from english into 12 year old xanga pidgin mush mouth
(ONCA UPON A MIDNIGHT DR3ARY WHIEL I PONDER3D WEAK AND W3ARY
OVER MANY A QUANET AND CURIOUS VOLUME OF FORGOTEN LORE
WHIEL I NODED NEARLY NAPNG SUDANLY THEYRE CMA A TAPNG
AS OF SOMA ON3 GENTLY RAPNG RAPNG AT MAH CHMBR DOR
TIS OMG WTF!!11!11! LOL SOME VISI2R I MUT3RAD TAPNG AT MAH CHMBR DOR -
ONLY THIS AND NOTHNG MORE
!!1!!!!1 OMG LOL)
-- excerpts from the book i'm reading, tokyo suckerpunch by isaac adamson.
-- more music reviews of bands you've never heard of.
...but instead! you get this!
fun stuff!
weblogs
beau sia
slam poet extraordinare - crude, rude, dope AND wack!
dave barry
famous columnist, pretty funny stuff. his social commentaries and humor sting like a many tentacled super jellyfish of sarcastic death.
fireland
this guy is great, sublime observations about life in general.
tom chi
neat layout, makes and posts his music for his readers, nice writing. go.
sites
orisinal
really neat flash animations and lots of cutesy flash games. one of the more stylish sites i've seen. my favorite so far is chicken wings.
donnie darko
abstract puzzle-like website for the weird puzzle-like movie, done by the creatively puzzle-like praystation guy, joshua davis. i suggest going to his site and monkeying around in the projects section also.
korean ass shooter
i have no idea what this game is. just...really really bizarre.
OMG1!!1!! WTF LOL!!11!!!!1 L33v M33333ee33333e E PROPSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!11 LOLZ!1! -
adventures of a computer nerd in hades....
my friends got laid for valentines day...all i got was this new OS
the first circle of hell
i've had an imac for almost 2 years now and up until monday, it had to have been the most despised computer in all of north america. constant problems plagued me like locusts since day one of owning the infernal machine. programs freezing and the operating system crashing so hard i was often hit by the shrapnel.
the second circle of hell
out of necessity, i bought more RAM, thinking this would solve the problem.
it got worse.
the third circle of hell
i managed to get by with the crashing, the applications suddenly disappearing ala jimmy hoffa, and obscure error messages that apple help tech's have never heard of. every time it crashed, my streams of swearing became longer and more profane. i improvised swearing like jazz. i found word arrangements that rivaled the compositions of Lizst.
a few of my favorite uncopywritten ones:
"you flaming sack of goat cock"
"lick my hairy cat balls you fuck knocker"
"holy assfucking shit gobbler, you motherless bastard!"
somewhere during this time, my imac picked up the name "lucy"; in honor of lucille ball, i love lucy, who always managed to take a simple scenario and completely screw up. like my computer.
the fourth circle of hell
during this whole time, my faith in steve jobs, apple and mac os 9 was strong. i always believed that mac was the better os and computer, despite the almost hourly crashing.
much to my delight, i obtained a copy of photoshop and used it with much vim and vigor (and force quitting and rebooting). the methods of this aquisition will not be detailed, as they involved kinko's, zip disks and are quite shady in nature.
i legitimately purchased norton disk doctor. which did absolutely nothing but format my wallet.
the fifth circle of hell
a fine saturday afternoon. imac crashes. i reboot....nothing new.
the mac won't start up.
several attempts later, i call emmdee out of desperation. 30 minutes long distance and relayed messages from her significant other don't fix the problem. apple help and some social engineering to get them to help me (i was past the warrantee date) don't help. damn. my only choice was to clean install (reformat the hard drive for all you windows trash users.) and lose all my files.
the sixth circle of hell
i'm getting a webcam. yeah, lucy crashes all the time. i'm used to it by now. i want a webcam so i'm getting one, ok? ok.
first stop after work, comp usa. their customer service is akin to death camp hospitality. in other words, nil. the only cam i find is way out of my price range. not getting that one, sorry.
half hour later, i'm in target and find a cam that works for both mac and pc (trash). yes!
home and everything is open and ready to be installed.
the alleged webcam isn't one for mac. it takes stills only in mac os.
i erupt in another frenzied composition of swearing and return it.
at this point, i consider cultivating a healthy affliction of technophobia and getting rid of everything.
back to comp usa on saturday.
fuck it. i'm getting the ibot, which is way too expensive. but i want a webcam.
so i get it. no thanks to customer service.
i raise my fists to the sky and let loose a fierce barbaric yelp of triumph.
i race home and rush to hook everything up.
firewire?
firewire!?
FIREFUCKINGWIRE!!!
i have usb.
my IM conversation becomes poetry.
"the webcam is staring at me with its blank eye of spite.....
and the firewire plug, limp, flaccid, hanging, a phallus of malice..."
i. am. experiencing. anger. of. biblical. proportions.
hulk angry.
hulk smash.
hulk return webcam.
the seventh circle of hell
sunday and i'm completely camless as well as angsty towards the apple corporation that i had such faith in. messaging with her, and she recommends getting os x. promises me it's well worth it, much better than os 9, no more crashing no more weird things.
i am hopeful once again.
i am joyous in the belief that os x will be nothing short of a 9 hour tantric orgasm.
after multiple purchases and returns, i have something that will work!
my computer will be powerful enough to blow up the world!
i can clone sheep!
my os install keeps getting an error!
bastards, all of you!
1-800-apl-care is closed for the nite.
my last attempt at finding a reason is the hardware test, which scans the physical components of the computer for defects and corruptions.
***ERROR***ERROR***ERROR***
mem_/3/2
***ERROR***ERROR***ERROR***
this error message occurs. i wail in pitiful despair.
i then decide i'm done, and note the error code.
i give up.
beyond the seventh circle...heaven
monday at lunch, i give apple a call and talk to the most intelligent tech yet. i regret i can't recall her name.
she reproduces the error messages from both the install and the hardware test and how to remedy them. i offer to marry her.
home, i remove a RAM card and hardware test the computer again. no error, i am jumping for joy.
seems the one i bought at comp usa (satan's death camp of windows consumerism) 2 years ago was damaged.
i return to the apple store (third time in three days they've seen me) and buy another RAM card.
get home and plug it in.
while the test was running, i literally hold my breath and cross my fingers.
hardware test comes out no error.
i am ecstatic. i am post coital glowing with happiness.
the os 9 updates go smoothly.
the firmware update (i have no idea what firmware is. i don't even care. it installed and updated perfectly. that's all i care about) goes smoothly.
os x install goes smoothly.
it works. it works.
it doesn't crash. at all. i've tried. it doesn't crash.
it's amazing.
i want to hump my computer.
i love it.
i love apple. -
stop looking at me. i mean it.
you're not allowed to read my (publicly published) weblog!
i've seen more than a few entries on xanga complaining about people they don't know reading their blog. this strikes me as just ridiculous.
isn't the point of weblogging to have people reading it? to get feedback? to maybe be part of a small community? to disseminate information, disinformation and drunken/high 3.30am post-coitus scrawlings? share your bad poetry? your filthy stories about your neighbor, philosophical musings that would nominate you for "worst yoda impersonator of the year", bland entries of 3 or 4 sentences about your trip to the school nurse with cramps, your undying love for you signifigant other, your political stances, how you brush your teeth, wrestle the cat, and how last nite you got drunk and barfed on your friends camaro?
don't you want people to come along and leave comments:
-damn you're hott
-cum leave me eprops cuz i left you sum
or perhaps sharing a truly deep and raw look into themselves when you write a particularly moving post.
so.
stop complaining. it's public. it's a weblog. people will read it. get over it.
if you don't want people reading what you're saying, close your weblog. open a file on your desktop and write there. get yourself a password protected website and refuse to tell anyone the password. quit whining about strangers leaving comments. and most of all...
get out of here! i don't know you and you're probably stalking me since you're reading my weblog! if you don't get out of here i'm calling the cops! you're a sick sick individual for reading a public weblog!!
sidenotes....
first off, huge thanks go to morgane for recording the voiceover intro to the site.
if you haven't heard it yet, click here. isn't her voice sexy? i thought so too.
i've been tweaking the code here in a slowmotion frenzy to get the scrollers to work on as many platforms as i can, so if it doesn't work for you it probably will soon. if you're using the aol browser, well, you're shit out of luck. i refuse to accomodate code for that piece of crapware.
and now i'm off to shower, return a webcam and buy mac jaguar OS.
don't look at my weblog. i mean it. especially while i'm in the shower.
GYFAFMB. -
when i'm emperor of the world...
1. there will be an extra lane added to all roads.
a. the furthest right lane is the slow lane.
b. the next lane from the right is for people who drive the speed limit
c. the left lane is for people who drive fast.
d. the fourth lane is for me and only me. anyone caught using this lane will be immediately pulled to the side of the road, asked to supply proper identification, and proof of insurance. they will then be beaten with a burning porcupine.
2. anyone who is not behind me will get out of my way, or suffer the same penalty as driving in my lane as well as hefty fines, up to but not necessarily including, being taken into slavery at my 4.2 million acre subtropical paradise palace.
4. there shall be no drivers migrating with the season. if you live in the northern states, you will stay there in the winter. and you will like it. anyone caught crossing state lines (out of season migrating) will be forced to work at taco bell in detroit for the rest of their natural life. anyone caught trying to escape said taco bell shall be publicly gerbiled.
5. the following infractions are punishable by public humiliation by way of flogging and having rabid starving otters and cornmeal and whitefish fattened octopi shoved in a rubber mattress with you:
a. riding your brakes
b. applying brakes for no apparent reason
c. cutting me off
d. driving like a jackass in general
subsection d.1: driving like a jackass (d) is subjective to me and my opinion of you.
e. anyone driving a hummer (humvee)
f. anyone in a car faster than mine who tries to race me
g. anyone who cannot see over the steering wheel
h. walking in the road, along side a perfectly usable sidewalk.
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