| solaris saw the commercial for this movie. the subjects of love, loss, longing and redemption hit home way too hard. watching the 30 seconds of this commercial had me feeling like i was suffocating. i had to leave the room. i want to see this movie. i will go alone. 
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Month: October 2002
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moonfest...smartass...cat-girl...please don't kill me with your driving...
this is where i was on saturday nite - moonfest. for those of you that don't know, it's a halloween festival, always held the saturday before. an awesome place to be to see great costumes and half naked people. it's somewhat like a mini mardigras held in the space of about 3 city blocks. by the time we had gotten there, maypop had already played, so we walked around, waiting for the remedy session to play.
being how i am - very nonchalant about anything i can be nonchalant about, i was decked out in my finest t shirt and cargo pants, sans make up.
"so what are you supposed to be?"
my answers:
"unemployed underwear model"
"andre agassi"
"vin diesel before steroids"
"the guy from transporter"
"your new boyfriend" (this was said to an alluring elf woman, who whacked me with her staff)
"rockstar"
"the secret beastie boy"
"the 4th degree to kevin bacon"
along the way, i saw the original Eve (too tempting in a skin colored bodysuit and vines), who gave me an apple (it was dried up and a bit bruised. so much for knowledge). some very annoying drunk men wearing wrestling outfits, a fistfight at the burger stand, and cat-girl.
i'd lost my friends somewhere in the shuffle and went to a payphone to call their cell and try to meet up again. dejectedly standing by the phone was a beautiful cat woman. tail and everything. after making my call, we both stood there, waiting. small talk started, it turns out she was supposed to meet her boyfriend at midnight and it was now 12.45am. i felt really bad for her, i could tell she was really looking forward to it. she looked VERY nice, a lot of effort had gone into looking good for her boyfriend. after a few more minutes of waiting, i spotted my friends
"i hope you don't get stood up."
"eh, me either." punctuated by a sigh.
on impulse, i hugged her, planted a big kiss on her cheek and went to meet my friends.
walking away, i turned back to see a smiling cat-girl, waiting for a bad, bad boyfriend.
will, who i had come with, wanted to leave early, so i'd gotten a ride home from a friend of a friend, who turned out to be the worst driver i've ever known. if you've ever watched police pursuit tv shows (another blog altogether...grr), you know how bad drunk drivers can be. she was just as bad...
"STOP! shitshitshit!" this was me yelling at her as she tried pulling into moving traffic and almost getting into a wreck.
"i haven't even had a single beer!" she proclaimed.
"i don't think i find that comforting." i whimpered from a fetal position in the front seat.
made it home both shaken and stirred, and went to sleep. -
k and i have been talking lately. not sure how i feel about this. on one hand, it's nice to hear her voice, something that comforts me. on the other, i know how bad things were, how she's untrustworthy. she's told me she's been clean for a while. i don't know if i'm being deceived again. she told me she's been clean because of how far her life fell, to the point where she was considering suicide. that's the only reason i'm taking it at face value - i don't think she would lie about suicide. as a small but weird side note - her boyfriend and her had broken up the same nite i had broken up with jj.
i don't think i have the burning desire i once had for k. without a doubt there's still a part of me that cares very much for her. everything else seems much more muted, washed out water colors when compared to a techinicolor movie.
neptune isn't quite done with me yet - this is in full evidence. the dream-like quality that has suffused my waking world, the sense that things are falling apart at the seams, my lost motivation.
less than a week neptune's been direct and it's fact that things are falling apart. to document the last 7 days in my life:
saturday - pulled over, given a ticket for having a suspended license. according to the citation, it's suspended for a speeding ticket that was paid in Nov 2001. at home i double check my paperwork - it was paid on time. was supposed to work on saturday, but unable to drive, i missed work and lost money.
monday - called the court house and found out that unbeknownst to me, i was supposed to attend traffic school for the ticket in Nov. registered for and completed an online driving school. paid for the class and extra money so the documentation of completing the school would be rush delivered to me. missed another day of work and lost more money.
tuesday - missed another day of work and lost even more money. received a call in the early evening informing me not to bother coming in in the morning, that i had lost my job. started drinking again.
today - was waiting to receive my next day overnighted super rush delivery documentation of completing my driving school so i could go to the court house, get my license reinstated and look for another job. lost more money. didn't get the certificate until 5.15 pm. i got an email from emmdee, who i haven't talked to for a few months.
i've been pissed off and antisocial all day. but tonite, i'm going to forget about it for a little while. tonite is band practice.tonite i rock out.
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slipping gears
what the hell is going on here? 12 am, i'm sticky hot from the lack of breeze in this state, i can't sleep and i'm not feeling much of anything. maybe i'm just drained. the last time things went this way, i was a mess. now i'm just here. i feel like i'm in neutral. my motivation seems to have not so much as "flown out the window" as it's been "tossed out the window and fallen to the ground like a dead parrot".
i can't even summon a single iota of existential frustration. i can't bring myself to get angsty about artificial lighting or MSG, although apostrophe usage seems to be getting my ire up. mostly because it confuses me and we fear what we don't understand. i feel like the homonids in 2001: a space odyssey when confronted with apostrophes. i start to grunt, bang on my chest and generally get violent over this ( ' ) thing. i haven't had a chance to whack anyone with a large bone yet (save the ennui), so count yourselves lucky. i think i'm done rambling.notes about the new design:
the photograph at the right is "self portrait as a dreaming man" by doug prince - a very good photographer. and click here to see the higher resolution full size version of the new profile picture. thanks for all the compliments on the design. -
turning point.
in the weeks that i've been working out, i haven't been working out so much as working up. working up to my turning point. neptune goes direct soon and i know i'll be following its example. the last few years of my life, i've been in a cycle of stagnation and regression. it's been painful and destructive to my precious ego. a lot of it was involved with k, yet the majority was me. i've realized since then that no matter what happened, it was always my choice to be there, to subject myself to what was happening. there are more than a few lessons i've learned from that, and it's made me better; better to myself and better to others. it's made me a harder man, and i believe that too is for the better.
i have a mountain to climb, i hold myself responsible to do it. in the months coming, my struggle will be non-stop and i will truly learn the meaning of the word persevere.
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