Month: September 2002


  • ...and it becomes a whirlwind

    there were times in my life, times that became a maelstrom of events. when things were so chaotic, so out of control that i was forced to either become the earth-solid monolith in the eye of the storm, or get pulled into the terrifying circumstance.
    you could give this phenomenon a name; you could call it uranus. you could call it chaos. you could call it an act of the random. my personal terminology for this is the whirlwind.
    life moves, time marches, mostly in an orderly procession, a nice chain of events. if you're observant enough, there are times when it becomes predictable.
    when the whirlwind came, there were no harbingers, there was no foreshadowing. it happened like a car wreck. like a heart attack in a deep sleep. it happened with the quantum quality unfairly reserved for subatomic particles.
    i wouldn't call it a distinct misfortune or opportunity - it just is. it becomes what i make of it when the winds have died down, the debris falls and the dust settles. it becomes a lesson if i consciously choose to learn from it. it becomes a tragedy if that's what i want.
    i've had the whirlwind dervish dance through my life several times, and all but once was i in the eye. maybe during those times, i was the eye. the cold, calm eye of the whirwind.

    "And you may ask yourself - Well...How did I get here?"
    -the talking heads, once in a lifetime.


  • a grave moment caught in the clock's ticking by morgane.




    I am 6% Raver

    Have I even been to a rave? I'll go home. I am a Loser. I suck. Actually, I am probably just a normal person taking this test and don't know why.
    Take the Raver Test at fuali.com




    I am 32% Emo

    Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks.
    Take the Emo Test at fuali.com




    I am 50% Punk Rock

    The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I may be able to maintain a train of thought long enough... What the fuck was I talking about?
    Take the Punk Rock Test at fuali.com




    I am 45% Geek

    You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.
    Take the Geek Test at fuali.com




    I am 4% Goth

    I wanna be a GOTH. But I'm not. Smoking cloves and too much eyeliner a goth does not make. I'll go home and take your Cure CD's with me.
    Take the Goth Test at fuali.com




    I am 27% Internet Addict

    I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!
    Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com




    I am 48% Ska

    I know the scene, I've heard the bands, and I am burned out. Well, these things happen. I will now go ahead and go through the same thing with Punk and Emo.
    Take the Ska Test at fuali.com




    I am 44% Metal Head

    Most other metal-heads acknowledge my presence, but they laugh at me behind my back. Maybe I need to stop spending all that money on haircuts and invest in a few Pantera T-shirts.
    Take the Metal Head Test at fuali.com




    I am 26% Tortured Artist

    I have some artistic ability, but it is probably a hobby and doesn't drive my life into a dark abysmal hole were I am alone and against the world.
    Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com




    I am 31% Grunge

    What's this? The longest I've been without a shower is three days? Not even close, man. I should go sit out in the rain for a week.
    Take the Grunge Test at fuali.com

    I am 313% ME.


  • today i:

    thought about my present
    thought about my future
    slacked off only a little bit at work
    listened to hum (downward is heavenward) for close to 6 straight hours
    sent the following email to regional managers in my company:
    Xxxxxx,

    Due to the seige and subsequent victimization of the entire Gulf of Mexico by "Now I'm A Hurricane, Now I'm Not, No - Wait I Am" Isadore, the PDA Roadshow class scheduled for Sept 26 in New Orleans has been cancelled. If you have any questions or comments, please call Xxxxx Xxxx (###)###-####.

    ate one of my favorite lunches thanks to jj
    realized that the clock i use to workout has dead batteries
    didn't have to reboot my computer
    had to reboot my computer
    was thankful i save my entries
    realized that there are some people i miss terribly
    realized that there are some people i don't.
    read microserfs
    was very macro-philosophical. or maybe it's meta-philosophical.
    realized yet again how fragile and special people are. how we drift apart, sometimes to never come back together. and how sweet and sad it can be.
    thought about how everything and everyone has their own place in the scheme of everything.
    considered the very real possibility that i may be nothing but mediocre.
    considered that to some people, i might very well be everything but mediocre.
    flamed someone on a bulletin board.
    got rid of a headache by drinking coffee.

    just now:

    realized i'm on my w  a  y    t   o    .     .      .


    and i hear vibrant refracted echoes of my thoughts . . .

    e  c  h  o


    e   c   h   o


    e    c    h    o


  • enough about me, let's talk about me

    where do i start this one? it seems like that the last few weeks, my entries have been becoming less and less personal. i don't think i like it.
    so what's been going on in my heart, my head, my life?

    jj
    this is where i met jj. she massaged me for an hour and a half, then we met up later that nite to watch jay and silent bob strike back and sit on the beach until 5am. since then we've been spending most of our time together, working out the kinks that naturally come about when 2 people are meshing their personalities.

    the kung fu
    workouts seems to fluctuate between doing them without thought and being extremely difficult. i have, what i feel, is a responsibility to do this. i can't explain how or why, i just know i need to do it. the workouts i'm referring to go by the names small frame or iron body, muscle-tendon changing and ten thousand hits. when done in their entirety, these, along with my techniques, will take approximately 4 hours a day. 4.30-6.30am and 6.00pm-8.00pm. like, i said, i have a responsibility to do these things. the problem with doing them is that i don't want to compromise my time with my band or with jj. it will definitely put a strain on both of them, taking almost all of my time outside of work. i've been pulling myself in all 3 directions and it's taking me almost to a breaking point.
    as a side note to wanderluste: this is the mountain i must climb.

    the band
    for those of you wondering about the demo, it's still being worked on. the initial recording of the vocals were rushed and didn't come out well at all. we've been recording them at about a song per weekend, so this weekend will be the last song being redone. after this, we need to save up enough money to send them off for replication, which takes about 7-10 days. we're giving the first 100 demos out for free, so if you want one, make sure to get me an email.
    being in this particular band has been great for me. i've had the most fun and felt the most creative with this incarnation of will and i. we've known each other going on 7 years now and have been in bands on and off together. each new band seems to get better and better. the current one, traces of..., has been evolving into the most musically mature one as of yet. which is something i'm ecstatic about. when the three of us first got together, we started off as something between pop punk and college rock. since then we've grown into something else. with three fixed signs in the band (2 taurii and a lone aquarius), we've had our fair share of head butting and verbal sparring matches. this comes from my constant lust for progression and my ability (as very modern succinctly put it) "to fuck shit up". which is the segue into my next section...

    fucking shit up
    as an aquarius sun with uranus squaring, i live to fuck shit up (owing this to VM again). my personal revolution has been brewing day by day. i want to uproot and demolish my traditions. not necessarily start everything anew, but discard everything i feel is not useful.
    well, jj is awake now, so i'm going to lie next her and feel her warm, warm skin. i hope she doesn't mind coffee breath too much.






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    What's the story on the "toxic lady"?





     


    and now a word from the patron saint of the internet:


     


  • this is a repost of something i wrote earlier this year:


    hey kids, guess what? i'm at work right now. i have an excel spread sheet open and i'm pretending to look at it. my job is based on mostly...waiting for people. i do about 10 min of work for 30 min of waiting. i've mastered the game bejewled in the last week. so. the subject of this essay?



    shoelaces, sobriety and false advertising.



    yesterday, being mothers day, i washed and detailed my moms car for her. before hand, i realized that i needed armorall. while at the store i also realized that i needed mouthwash. deodorant. napkins. beer. upon returning home, mouthwash and deodorant get chucked into the bathroom. napkins on the table. beer in the fridge.


    outside i go, washing the cars. i need a beer! a freezing cold beer is just so damn good when it's hot out and you're sweaty and doing manly things like washing cars or hitting things with hammers or kicking your dog while your wife is screaming at the neighbors about their chickens under your doublewide and you're telling her to shut her damn yap up, you don't mind the chickens but her Winstons and wine cooler screech is splitting your brains in half.


    into my 3rd beer, i stop and think....nope, i haven't eaten anything all day. half baked from the heat and half drunk and washing cars. the hose is pretty fun when you're not sober.


    [at this point the woman in the office behind me has gone into a kind of frustration induced tourrettes episode. "son of a bitch! what the fuck! GOD!". her running comentary will be inside the brackets from this point on]


    so the cars are done and i'm done as well. and i'm thinking, hey, i need more beer. while i'm at the store, looking for the ever elusive Beer Aisle, i see the shoelaces. this sets off a chain reaction of thoughts that result it "i should buy those for my friend. she needs shoelaces." so i find the biggest pair - 54 inches - and buy them along with the beer. i figure almost 5 feet is long enough for her boots, which reach roughly 4 inches above her head.


    [what the fuck? i'm not duct taping my damn sunroof! you're the dealer! you FIX the cars! not DUCT FUCKING TAPE THE CARS!]


    so i go home, and begin to drink even more beer - still on an empty stomach. stumbling about, armed with a squeegee, rags and windex, i begin to clean everything but the cars. my mailbox has never been so shiney. nor has my neighbors mailbox. or their daughter.


    i decide it's a little too hot outside for me to continue so a nice nap is in order! i'll wake up around 6 and it'll be a bit cooler. i should eat too. as planned, i wake up around 6 and crap....i'm still drunk. how do i fix it? more beer! sweet!


    i finally finish the cars and all my beer and eat something and it's about 11pm. i'm still drunk even though i've eaten and right now is a fine time to call my friend and tell i found laces long enough for her boots. 54 inch laces! i open the package to marvel at their gargantuan length while i'm dialing the phone. unravelling the shoe laces.....


    *ring*


    *click*


    i hang up. the shoe lace is only 27 inches long. 27!!(??). er. the package says 54" shoelaces. i guess they meant 54 inches of shoelace...total.


    *redial*


    *ring*


    *ring*


    *ring*


    hey it's me leave a message blah blah blah *beep*


    "HEY! uhm.............it's me. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.......guh.....i got your shoelaces. the fuckers lied to us. dirty liars. they're not FIFTY FOUR INCHES ...............EACH!....fuh...false averdising, man. bastards. we we we we we. should sue. ca...i'll call you tomor....row.


    *click*


    [duct tape. duct tape. i'll duct tape your ass together. see how that goes, ok buddy?]

  • no, don't call me bruce lee or make those stupid waaa! wooo! noises.

    in the now famous words of neo (keanu reeves in the matrix):
    "i know kung fu".
    which, in reality, i do. i've been training since december 1998.
    as sort of an introduction into what will probably be a series of entries, i'll explain what kung fu is and what kung fu isn't.

    kung fu is not kung fu.
    the literal translation of "kung fu" is "skill acquired through time and effort". you can have kung fu in anything - i would say that some xangaist's have kung fu writing. a master chef has culinary skills that are kung fu. it can be anything, as long as it's a skill attained through practice over time and effort put into it. what we know as kung fu is really kuo shu (national art), wu shu (spear art -
    spear being representative of war/soldier/martial) or chuan fa (fighting principle).

    when wushu isn't kung fu.
    in china during the cultural revolution, maoist communism dictated that anything pertaining to culture or cultural history was wrong, and attempted to eradicate it. many artifacts (buddhist sutras, statues, even temples) were destroyed in the name of communism. practicing martial arts was outlawed unless you were in the military. after the reign of chairman mao, government sanctioned martial arts found their way back into the mainstream culture, modified and watered down. they became an art based on performance and agility, not unlike gymnastics. this art became associated with the moniker of "wushu" under government influence. although they look similar and both require great skill and effort, kung fu and (modern) wushu have little left in common.

    who would win in a fight, jackie chan or bruce lee?
    the advent of modern wushu brings me to another aspect of the modernization of martial arts - hollywood kung fu. like modern wushu, this is based on classical or traditional kung fu, but is not the real thing. what you see in movies has more in common with modern wushu. factually, most kung fu movie stars are gold medal wushu performers (jet li), peking opera performers or are taught enough wushu to do the movie. the best displays of traditional kung fu i've seen in movies weren't in the matrix or jackie chan movies - they were in the movies the gladiator and last of the mohecians.
    the techniques are often taken out of context and used for something flashy or nicer looking, rather than the true applications. and lastly, traditional kung fu doesn't teach you to fly or run up bamboo trees, ala crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

  • 'you know,' he said, almost dreamily, 'i sometimes think that the only things really worth talking about are the things that people absolutely refuse to discuss.'

    'yes,' snapped isserly, 'like why some people are born into a life of lazing around and philosophizing, and others are shoved into a hole and told to fucking get busy.'


    new site design, mercury on my pluto...pretty grim, eh?

  • indecision vs. karma


    what do you do when you feel like it's going to start over again?


    what do you do when you see the recurring patterns?


    do i wait, hoping the ending will be something different, or do i consciously flex the warp and bend the weave (and forsake something that only might be)?


    my fear binds me, prometheus to the caucasus.

  • today's entry can be found here.